OMG! So timely! I am having exactly this issue with a friend I dearly love who is going through some mental health/life challenges that make it very difficult to have a relationship right now. I am not sure how to stay connected to someone who refuses help or even compassionate witnessing. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong, and I end up feeling disrespected and unvalued. So currently my response has been to stop checking in and seeing how they're doing or if they want to go for a walk or whatever because I'm fucking tired of getting snapped at for the audacity of caring. It really sucks. We've been friends for many years and it's never been quite this bad. Totally open to advice/experience. And also motherfucker is an awesome word and I can't imagine you being you without it.
That is rough! I wonder how it might be to tell your friend all of this you wrote and see how it lands with them. You can always stop contact, but it could be helpful to engage them and brainstorm together bc obviously you are not there as a punching bag. They might not have the capacity to be in a collaborative convo w you right now, but I believe it’s good to give the opportunity. Let me know how this lands.
Great read, and oh so true. It is so important to be trying to resolve issues rather than childishly ignore them, especially when in a connected community. I have had some of the hardest times processing others immediate need to just walk away and expect have no say in the end of the relationship, one's share their home, bed, time, invest time into friendships and navigating a new timeline and then just instantly bam,; fuck off, don't talk to me or anyone I know. leave any space I am in; fully expecting to be respected, while 100 percent disrespecting the other partner in the relationship, and at the same time disrespecting their own right to make the choice to walk away and maintain one's own feelings and desires, rather than demanding they are met by the very person they wish to push away.
If we are to radically accept ourselves than shouldn't we also be radically accepting what ones own choice means and requires of themselves rather than demand the needs to accomodate the wish be met by the other.
The want for Control over others is all to real in to many little ways, imagine the growth in the hearts of people if we could all reprogram and accept we are free to control ourselves, and sweetheart...Not even God thought it would be okay to exert that you not have free will over YOURSELF.
this is a helpful reminder! it gets me reflecting on the ways that I avoid making a conflict explicit by not holding my loving boundaries around it, and then overreact and set a hard boundary when I reach my limit and feel resentful. it's so much kinder to myself and others to step into the vulnerable space of 'hi, I'm human, I have needs, I have boundaries,' and it takes courage!
I absolutely love how you explained Aikido and its connection to boundaries—so insightful! It’s true, going the binary route can be tempting. Sometimes it feels simpler to just cut someone off rather than navigate the complexities of a relationship. It’s those tricky gray areas that really challenge us, right? So many of us aren’t equipped to handle them well because we don’t realize there are more options than just all or nothing. Love your perspective and will be thinking about it for a while.
Thanks Sandra. Sometimes we need to draw hard lines for sure. But also, relationships shift as people grow and needs change and I wish we had better ways to navigate that space.
OMG! So timely! I am having exactly this issue with a friend I dearly love who is going through some mental health/life challenges that make it very difficult to have a relationship right now. I am not sure how to stay connected to someone who refuses help or even compassionate witnessing. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong, and I end up feeling disrespected and unvalued. So currently my response has been to stop checking in and seeing how they're doing or if they want to go for a walk or whatever because I'm fucking tired of getting snapped at for the audacity of caring. It really sucks. We've been friends for many years and it's never been quite this bad. Totally open to advice/experience. And also motherfucker is an awesome word and I can't imagine you being you without it.
That is rough! I wonder how it might be to tell your friend all of this you wrote and see how it lands with them. You can always stop contact, but it could be helpful to engage them and brainstorm together bc obviously you are not there as a punching bag. They might not have the capacity to be in a collaborative convo w you right now, but I believe it’s good to give the opportunity. Let me know how this lands.
Great read, and oh so true. It is so important to be trying to resolve issues rather than childishly ignore them, especially when in a connected community. I have had some of the hardest times processing others immediate need to just walk away and expect have no say in the end of the relationship, one's share their home, bed, time, invest time into friendships and navigating a new timeline and then just instantly bam,; fuck off, don't talk to me or anyone I know. leave any space I am in; fully expecting to be respected, while 100 percent disrespecting the other partner in the relationship, and at the same time disrespecting their own right to make the choice to walk away and maintain one's own feelings and desires, rather than demanding they are met by the very person they wish to push away.
If we are to radically accept ourselves than shouldn't we also be radically accepting what ones own choice means and requires of themselves rather than demand the needs to accomodate the wish be met by the other.
The want for Control over others is all to real in to many little ways, imagine the growth in the hearts of people if we could all reprogram and accept we are free to control ourselves, and sweetheart...Not even God thought it would be okay to exert that you not have free will over YOURSELF.
this is a helpful reminder! it gets me reflecting on the ways that I avoid making a conflict explicit by not holding my loving boundaries around it, and then overreact and set a hard boundary when I reach my limit and feel resentful. it's so much kinder to myself and others to step into the vulnerable space of 'hi, I'm human, I have needs, I have boundaries,' and it takes courage!
I absolutely love how you explained Aikido and its connection to boundaries—so insightful! It’s true, going the binary route can be tempting. Sometimes it feels simpler to just cut someone off rather than navigate the complexities of a relationship. It’s those tricky gray areas that really challenge us, right? So many of us aren’t equipped to handle them well because we don’t realize there are more options than just all or nothing. Love your perspective and will be thinking about it for a while.
Thanks Sandra. Sometimes we need to draw hard lines for sure. But also, relationships shift as people grow and needs change and I wish we had better ways to navigate that space.