I think that "I fuck up on the regular, because that's part of being a person" isn't part of the way many people have constructed their identity. Lots of us have "be a good person" embedded really deeply in our selves, and it's in a "don't fuck up" way, rather than a "take feedback and adjust" way. I had an epiphany a while back about compliments and negative feedback both poking at core identity in ways that make us really uncomfortable, in "all about me!" ways. The hard part isn't the actual steps, it's the getting out of the middle of the frame so those steps make sense.
I love that. I defs fuck up on a regular basis. I learn and keep growing. The whole ‘good person’ thing feels really challenging to me, bc it means there are only two things you can be: good person or monster. All of us have the capacity for both. Step to the side of the frame for freedom, yes!
Good/bad, insider/outsider, allowed/anethma... it's super binary, and woven through so much. And we normalize a lot of fucked up things as part of cultural "goodness" .
It dovetails with a thing I'm writing about math classrooms - many many students have internalized that the way to participate in math classes is to have right answers... and being wrong is where all the interesting stuff lives! So how do we cultivate classrooms where we have permission to be wrong (along the way to being more right)?
And while math has its own baggage, in a lot of ways it's all a slice of this same whole... whatever it is.
Fantastic - I will be sharing this with folks when the double down happens ! And reminding myself of this when I notice those "But!..." impulses. Thank you!
I have a strong drive to be right, to be good. A strong belief rooted presumably in white supremacy culture that it is necessary to be right to be good. I’ve known that I need to learn to let go of being right, but haven’t really started that specific work yet because I’m working on so many other things. But I felt something soften me partway through this read.
I was going merrily along in complete agreement with how everybody else needs to stop doubling down, and thinking of my own recent experiences with older cis white women insisting about this or that and the divine feminine.. ugh. But then I started to get a glimmer of how I double down, how I harden, clamp, tense, insist. I know I need to soften and let go. I think for me it’s the if I’m not right, I’m not good. If I’m not perfect, I’m not good. I’ll be exiled from community.
I think I need to cultivate more ease with belonging and belief in myself and my right to exist and take up space wherever I find myself. Not all the space, not other people’s space, but to continue to try and learn how not to apologize for my existence. I’ve made a lot of progress actually, but still have a lot more to make.
All this to say that your writing touched me deeply, as it often does, and I’m very grateful. Thank you. 🙏🏻
Omigooseness, dear Pavini. You just busted my heart open. Again. Tears of joy, tears of rage, delight in hearing you explore glittery bits of multidimensionality. I love you and am so grateful that i found my way here to hear you articulate your experience.
I think that "I fuck up on the regular, because that's part of being a person" isn't part of the way many people have constructed their identity. Lots of us have "be a good person" embedded really deeply in our selves, and it's in a "don't fuck up" way, rather than a "take feedback and adjust" way. I had an epiphany a while back about compliments and negative feedback both poking at core identity in ways that make us really uncomfortable, in "all about me!" ways. The hard part isn't the actual steps, it's the getting out of the middle of the frame so those steps make sense.
I love that. I defs fuck up on a regular basis. I learn and keep growing. The whole ‘good person’ thing feels really challenging to me, bc it means there are only two things you can be: good person or monster. All of us have the capacity for both. Step to the side of the frame for freedom, yes!
Good/bad, insider/outsider, allowed/anethma... it's super binary, and woven through so much. And we normalize a lot of fucked up things as part of cultural "goodness" .
It dovetails with a thing I'm writing about math classrooms - many many students have internalized that the way to participate in math classes is to have right answers... and being wrong is where all the interesting stuff lives! So how do we cultivate classrooms where we have permission to be wrong (along the way to being more right)?
And while math has its own baggage, in a lot of ways it's all a slice of this same whole... whatever it is.
I wish I had been in those kind of math classes. Sad feels that I wasn’t.
Fantastic - I will be sharing this with folks when the double down happens ! And reminding myself of this when I notice those "But!..." impulses. Thank you!
Powerful, thank you Pavini.
I have a strong drive to be right, to be good. A strong belief rooted presumably in white supremacy culture that it is necessary to be right to be good. I’ve known that I need to learn to let go of being right, but haven’t really started that specific work yet because I’m working on so many other things. But I felt something soften me partway through this read.
I was going merrily along in complete agreement with how everybody else needs to stop doubling down, and thinking of my own recent experiences with older cis white women insisting about this or that and the divine feminine.. ugh. But then I started to get a glimmer of how I double down, how I harden, clamp, tense, insist. I know I need to soften and let go. I think for me it’s the if I’m not right, I’m not good. If I’m not perfect, I’m not good. I’ll be exiled from community.
I think I need to cultivate more ease with belonging and belief in myself and my right to exist and take up space wherever I find myself. Not all the space, not other people’s space, but to continue to try and learn how not to apologize for my existence. I’ve made a lot of progress actually, but still have a lot more to make.
All this to say that your writing touched me deeply, as it often does, and I’m very grateful. Thank you. 🙏🏻
Omigooseness, dear Pavini. You just busted my heart open. Again. Tears of joy, tears of rage, delight in hearing you explore glittery bits of multidimensionality. I love you and am so grateful that i found my way here to hear you articulate your experience.
Oh so good to hear this Laura! I love that my work feels supportive. Sending much love!