How to (NOT) Procrastinate like a Champ

Welcome to my vulnerable story about taking my damn time

Oh God.

That feeling.

The twisting avoidance inside, the turning your attention away from where you think it needs to be.

I do NOT want to pay attention to that undertone of dread seeping through the cracks.

THAT feels like too much; it feels yucky, and I want nothing to do with it.

It's gonna feel bad, whatever THAT is.

It could be folding laundry or paying medical bills.

Calling your friend you've been meaning to call for five years.

Writing your newsletter.

Judging Procrastination

Can I tell you a story?

While I was in graduate school, I got stuck on writing my doctoral dissertation. (Here's the story about how I ultimately finished it.)

For an entire year, when I was supposed to be writing up my findings, I did, (you guessed it,) precisely zero.

I felt the burn of it, like heartburn. The disgust, the shame, the overwhelm.

When I was stuck, I thought I was the worst student ever.

All of my school trauma resurfaced.

I felt dumb, lazy, apathetic.

I filled my time with all kinds of other things, anything, to avoid feeling the loneliness I felt about writing the thing.

I didn't want to do it.

It was huge and overbearing.

I didn't know how to write academically at that level.

And so I procrastinated.

Whenever anyone would ask me how it was going, I would change the subject or shrug, but inside, I felt like a failure.

I didn't think I was going to finish it.

I tried to convince myself it was okay not to finish.

But I never really believed it.

The feeling of avoidance is hard to recognize, at least for me.

I can only feel it at the edges because I'm so focused on NOT noticing what I'm avoiding.

It is a super yucky feeling.

Close to shame, or maybe woven with shame.

I want to finish the thing, but something inside me keeps me from doing it.

The longer I wait, the longer I am stuck, and the worse it gets.

Looking back now, I see one part of me wanted to take on writing a dissertation, while another did not.

The part that did not to do it wanted freedom.

It did not want to jump through someone else's hoops or have my time cooped by a project it did not sign on for.

The internal battle between these two parts was a stalemate, resulting in a total standstill of activity.

I can't bear the feeling of avoidance, but a part of me believes it's better than doing the thing.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

What was the part of me that was procrastinating taking care of?

Quite simply, I was petrified.

Afraid:

• I wouldn't be able to complete it

• what would happen if I did complete it

• outstripping those around me in terms of education

• not belonging anymore

• I wasn't smart enough to do it

At the core of the fear, there it was, bald and naked on the road:

I wasn't good enough.

You've heard people say, "Well, if you don't try, you won't have to face failure."

Part of the equation that doesn’t get much airtime is success:

By not trying, I didn't have to address that maybe I was good enough.

In either case, procrastination was trying to manage my fear.

How to trust your procrastination

I have another idea of what procrastination is.

Earlier this year, I was visiting Portland and planned to return to the South by a specific date for an obligation.

But I procrastinated purchasing a return ticket.

I still had not purchased my return ticket as the days grew into weeks.

People were asking me when I was returning.

I was annoyed.

My partner was worried about waiting so long to buy a ticket: prices were going up.

I was perturbed.

“Don’t ask me what I’m doing!” I said, half-jokingly to those who asked.

I felt the feeling of procrastination but couldn't move through it.

But in this case, procrastination was actually intuition.

As it turned out, because I did not purchase a ticket, when the waiting list opened up for a singing retreat, I could accept my place and join my witchy West Coast community.

I got to attend my close friend’s birthday party.

Had several dates with beloveds.

Got to see queer pole dancing.

Went to the river a bunch.

Attended Portland Pride.

All because I hadn't purchased my ticket beforehand.

In this case, my procrastination served a different purpose.

It allowed me to be available to receive all kinds of goodness.

I share this because sometimes, procrastination is about a part of you knowing something your conscious mind doesn't have access to.

What part of you is procrastinating?

Indeed, you have had at least a moment of procrastination in your life.

When you're in the midst of it, it doesn't seem that there is so much going on in your deep waters: you're fighting with yourself to get yourself to do a thing you don't want to do.

End of story.

But what happens if you consider that procrastination results from multiple parts of you trying to meet their needs?

Does the part of you that judges you for procrastinating have anything to say?

Crickets are what I hear when I ask that question directly.

Literal crickets out my window.

It's the end of summer in Appalachia.

What if we reframed procrastination into a conversation between your various parts?

What if every part has its say and tells what it needs?

The freedom part needs autonomy.

So, even when you've signed up for the task, you are now procrastinating.

Where can you find autonomy?

Or do you make a deal with that part: "Let's write five pages, and then we'll have an hour of whatever you want?"

Every part of us is wise and trying to care for us.

Once I got the support I needed and started writing my dissertation, the terrible knot of unworthiness, avoidant guilt, and shame began to unwind.

Trying to wrangle your parts is like teaching middle school.

I feel grateful for classroom management skills from my teacher days in those moments.

Because here's the thing: If you want freedom, it's true you've got to develop the muscle of self-discipline, but it's more complex than just that.

You can't force yourself into doing a thing, especially a big thing.

Your resistance is too fucking savvy and strong for that!

If you're going to stop procrastinating, you've got to find empathy and understanding for all of your parts.

It doesn't mean you don't have boundaries with yourself.

I had to have a lot of self-boundaries when I wrote my dissertation.

I set hours on my calendar, and I showed up for them.

That is almost always the right boundary: I show up.

We all know once we start the dreaded terrible thing, it's never as bad as we've made it in our minds.

It's getting started that is the challenge.

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Here's a choice practice for this week:

Choose something you have been procrastinating on.

Don't do it.

Have a conversation with yourself and your parts, and ask what the part that's refusing needs.

Give that part what it needs, and ask for their cooperation on the task.

See what happens!