How to ask
for what you want and need
Asking for what you want and need is hard for most of us.
Receiving requests from others about what they want and need from us can also be challenging.
I feel fluent in asking what I want and need, but I also struggle. Recently, I had to ask my partner for help with my upcoming trip to India. (YES! THAT'S HAPPENING!)
I was terrified of how he would respond. The question was in my mouth, on my lips, for days. Every time I tried to bring it up, I froze.
Also, I'm in a close relationship with someone who is learning to have and articulate needs.
Which means I am getting to upgrade my skills in receiving requests.
When I get asked to do something, a lot of math happens.
I consider the relationship I have with the person asking.
I consider my own desires.
I consider the impact of doing or not doing the thing that is being asked.
My kids call me Oma.
Recently, my young adult daughter asked me, "Oma, would you be willing to transfer $50 in my account for my co-pay so I can go to the doctor?"
When they were little, I taught them the Nonviolent Communication phrasing: "Would you be willing to…"
It's a phrase that lands soft for me.
They aren't asking me for $50 directly or if I'd do the work to put it in their account, they are asking me about my willingness.
“Would you be willing to….” gives me a moment to consider my own willingness.
For me, that time helps me avoid feeling obligated.
I feel more agency.
When people would hear my six-year-old say something like, "Would you be willing to give me a popsicle," or, "Would you be willing to take me to the playground?" I would get comments about how well-behaved my children were.
Truthfully, I didn't want them to be well-behaved so much as I wanted to feel some aspect of choice in our interactions.
So much on both sides of the parent-child relationship precludes choice, am I right?
I extended the same to them as much as I could.
"Would you be willing to pick up your toys now, or would you prefer to do it five minutes from now?" was a common question in our house.
Asking for what you want or need takes a lot of work.
Asking takes:
energy
the work of clarity
facing hearing a no
vulnerability
How to make an ask
I've worked with hundreds of couples, helping them navigate the murky waters of having feelings and needs in relationships.
In my tenure as a relationship therapist, I've seen some patterns emerge.
One is the resentment/not asking pattern.
A person in a relationship feels deeply unfulfilled and dissatisfied.
When I ask, "Have you told your partner that you would like them to initiate sex?" or whatever the resentment is about, they have not.
Often, they have not asked because they did once and received a no.
They don’t want to feel that way, ever again. That sucked.
They are afraid their partner will say no, or they've already decided it will never happen even if they ask, so why bother?
If you are on the asking side, I love the NVC approach to requests.
Share the feeling you are having and the need you can name. Then, make a request with a strategy that meets that need.
It's easier to talk about in context.
A common complaint I hear from my clients is about who is initiating (or not initiating) sex.
For example:
"I feel sad when we don't have sex, because I want to feel connected to you and sex is an important way I feel that. (Shares feeling and need.)
I know it's on both of us to initiate, and I also notice that I haven't been initiating because I'm afraid you'll say no. Would you be willing to initiate sex tonight? (Makes request)
It would really help me meet my need to feel a mutuality in our relationship.” (Gives more context by sharing another need.)
Now compare that more skillful request with this less skillful one:
"I want you to initiate sex more." (The ‘asshole’ at the end is like silent E.)
You don't give someone enough context if you lead with the ask.
They don’t know why the ask is essential to you.
Without context, an ask can land like obligation, blame, or that they must comply with or resist your demand.
This rarely works to get what we want.
Instead, it’s helpful to give them more information.
It's also helpful if you're willing to receive their no, or not right no, or an alternative approach to meeting your need they suggest.
Without these, you're making a demand.
Consider this response to the first more skilled example:
"Hmm, I hear that you want to share the responsibility for initiating sex. (Validates the request.)
I appreciate your asking me, I imagine it took courage to do that. (Validating the labor of the ask.)
Our sexual connection is important to me, too (affirms the need), and I don't know if I'll feel up for sex tonight. (Honors own needs)
Do you want to talk about some other ways I could initiate something if that would meet your need for mutuality, or would you prefer to make a date for sex, if your need is really more about sexual connection? (Offers choices, asking for more information, offering teaming.)
This format might seem laborious to you, but in my experience, taking the time to ask and receive requests with skill means we get more of what we want.
It means working gently with the parts of us that fear rejection, that tell us we shouldn't have needs.
How to receive an ask
When someone asks for something, it's helpful to realize that it is not easy for them, even if they don't share the labor.
I want to recognize that they have gone through an entire process to get to the point where they are asking.
This does not oblige you to say yes.
But, sometimes receiving the ask with gratitude (because they've just shared more of who they are with you) can help a no land more softly.
"Thanks for asking. I appreciate the vulnerability it took to do that. I need to sit with your request for a bit. Can I give you an answer in an hour?"
In responding like this, you've
affirmed the request
validated the labor
Let them know you feel grateful
given yourself time to process the ask
given a precise time when you will respond
Choice practice for this week:
Make a choice to ask for something that feels a little scary.
Ask the person who has the power to say yes.
Give them a heads-up that you are practicing your asking skills, and ask for their grace as you fumble through.
Then just make the ask.
Beautifully explained.