In this post I’m not going to judge you for being judgy.
In fact, I am welcoming your judgy part with open arms.
It took me so long to accept that I use judgment as a safety strategy.
I thought I was just an asshole.
But once I realized I used judgment to create distance, and because I have an unmet need, I’ve been able to have less judgment about having judgment. Make sense?
I still work to observe my judgy part and be sweet with it.
Mileage varies.
Sometimes, it sounds like, "Yes, dear, you are being judgmental; it's okay, it's how you protect yourself when you feel vulnerable."
Othertimes, well, yeah. You know.
I suffer from my judgy part.
I can cause myself tremendous pain.
When I am judging, I am disconnected, from myself and others.
My thinking can go like this: ‘I am better than.’
But flip it around, and it's "I don't belong."
Judgment as a strategy is costly, both for those receiving it but also for those dishing it out.
Thinking 'I am better than' hurts my heart.
I feel alone, alienated, and misunderstood.
Judgment is the practice that creates supremacy culture.
No one loves being judged.
Lack of acceptance typically translates to' unsafe' in human brains.
Being judged has a visceral quality.
Many of us choose one of two strategies in response to feeling judged.
Strategy #1: Judge Back
I went into a thrift shop in my hometown in Ohio, AKA the judgment capital of the world.
The clerk was an older white woman, her clothes and hair very put together and tended like a good church lady, which I presume she was. Not much else to do in Ohio.
When I entered the store, her eyes moved up and down my body, and then she turned her head away.
I felt the burn.
When I went to check out, she did not make eye contact.
Her words were clipped, and her eyes tight.
Instead of handing me the bag, she set it on the counter.
She did not say thank you, which is the Midwestern equivalent of "Fuck You!"
Those were my observations, and my brain interpreted them.
I have no way of knowing, but our interaction held a strong scent of judgment.
In this case, I chose strategy #1: Judge back.
"Really, lady? You work in the goodwill in Chardon, Ohio and you're judging me? Girl, please."
I shook my head side to side, tssking as I walked out.
Strategy #2: Absorb it
Absorb some of the judgment and get small.
Once when I was in bladesmithing class, and my instructor shook his head while looking at my blade.
I felt shame.
The perceived judgement of others catalyzes an internal response.
Note I said catalyzed, not caused.
My teacher didn’t make me feel shame.
I felt shame in response to my ideas about what he meant with that head shake.
Non-Violent Communication teaches that my own thinking, not what someone else does, creates a response inside of me.
In reacting to perceived judgment from others, I lose connection with what I need: in this case, my dignity.
Others have judgments, and those belong to them. My reactions belong to me.
"What others think of me is not my business" is a quote attributed to everyone from Deepak Chopra to Eleanor Roosevelt to RuPaul.
On Judging others
I believe most of us are judgy.
I'm not talking about judgments like "This fish is bad" or "My body doesn't feel safe around Larry."
Those are discernments.
Judgments differ from discernments because they often have a biting, poisonous quality.
There is a tinge of anger, an internal pursing of lips, and a tightening along the midline.
When I judge others I've lost connection with what I need and am inappropriately focusing on others.
For example, I was in an online class where another student told the instructor that the camera added ten pounds to their image.
I felt a hot flash of anger and judged the other student as fat-phobic.
I felt angry at her lack of awareness that she was in the room with people with fat bodies and frustrated that her inane comment disrupted my learning experience.
When I slowed down enough to focus on what I was feeling and needing, I felt scared and lonely and longed to feel safety and belonging.
I have no way of knowing if she was or was not fatphobic, but I was suffering at that moment.
I've come to a point in my healing where I don't want to cause myself pain and suffering.
I love myself enough now that I want to feel safe inside my own experience.
Judgment, the strategy I've been using to create safety for so long, is harming me.
It also hurts my relationships.
Because if we're honest, while anger might feel good for a moment, a residue remains.
I am the one who pays the price for a dysregulated nervous system.
I want to love myself enough to evaluate my safety strategies and choose ones that better protect me.
Judgy pants has a high cost that the benefit has outlived its usefulness.
Recognizing that judgment is a strategy I use for safety has helped me find a lot of compassion.
Just ahead, I can see the doorway. Above the frame are the words, "What do you long for?"
I long to be connected to my good life so strongly that I remember to ask, "What am I thinking that makes me feel this way?" and then tend to my needs with the most love.
What to do about being judgy?
Ah yes. The practice. I’m going to save that for another post (coming soon!) but for now, here’s the choice practice: Start to pay attention to when you are judgy. When you notice it, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” in your sweetest inside voice.
I’d love if you’d post your answer!